20 November 2011

HEAVEN, OR HELL?

I have been pondering how to present this particular subject for a long time and will probably still screw it up.

As many of you already know, I am not known to be a religious person. In fact, if you looked up the word "heathen" in the dictionary, it probably has my name there. It's not because I don't believe in God or Jesus, it is because organized religion is kind of creepy.

I have never met a religious person who wasn't terrified of dying. I know, they talk a good story, but if you watch what they do, their actions speak a whole different thing. As they do everything in their power to avoid dying and supposedly going to meet the maker they claim they love so dearly in heaven.

And I don't blame them a bit. Who wants to go to a place that is full of God's supposedly "Chosen People" lying, cheating and trying to enslave everyone else in Heaven. Then, also, it would be chock full of Negroes, Mexicans and all kinds of other third world riff-raff. It really does sound like a place that I would want to dwell forever. "NOT!"

Also, as I understand it. You have to learn how to skip because that is what you do up in Heaven, skip around. Now I don't know about you but I don't want to spend eternity skipping to church to praise God 24-7 in a house full of Negroes and Jews.

On top of all of the skipping and praising, once again as I understand it. The only thing to eat in Heaven is flowers, which I find disgusting. I would much rather eat cheeseburgers. If you were lucky enough to find a cheeseburger, it would probably be made out of mutton which is another fairly disgusting brand of meat. But you have never heard of any cow herders in the Bible, so there are probably none in heaven. Only sheepherders, and sheep. Yuk!

And all there is to drink is wine. No sweet tea, no coffee, not even kool-aid or beer so I guess that you have a bunch of drunken Negroes singing do-wop hymns while God's chosen, the Jews, just keep passing the offering plate around and around and around....

I don't like to be a complainer, but... there is not one thing in that scenario that I would want to contend with for one minute, let alone an eternity.

I'm sorry, but to a person of my particular tastes, hell doesn't seem so bad. At least there would be a lot of roast meat in Hell and I have heard that it tastes a lot like pork. Which tastes a hell of a lot better than mutton. You know that they wouldn't have the same drink in hell as they do in heaven so at least you wouldn't have to be drinking that nasty old wine.

According to organized religion's teachings, there are going to be a bunch of very interesting people in hell. Lucifer, Lillith, Hitler, Custer, Attila the Hun, Napoleon, Mata-Hari, Hanoi Hanna, Truman, Bill Gates and Rasputin just to name a few.

And who's going to be in heaven? Billy Graham, Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell, John Hagee, all of the Popes and every Jew who ever existed. What a lovely crowd that would be to hang out with.

That fiery thing is kind of a downer, but I guess that it is a small price to pay to not have to spend your eternity sipping to church and listening to all of the above telling you how wonderful that they are.

So far, lightning hasn't struck me dead for writing this blog which was kind of worrying me at the outset. So it appears to me that organized religion's God is not so upset with me after all. That makes me wonder if maybe organized religion and "God's chosen" might not just be full of shit about the beliefs that they are selling to the masses.

Hell. I might be the only one in heaven when the time comes. That would be a hoot. I am telling you here and now that skipping to church forever would not even be an option. We would have to move in cows and have hamburger trees and at the very least have sweet tea to drink.

No Jews, no Negroes, no Mexicans. Now, there. Heaven is starting to sound like my kind of place. Instead of meadows, we will have forests of pine and oak and M16s with unlimited free ammo to shoot the squirrels with.

Every day will be excellent! We can even have one day for going to church. At least a half of a day. One day could be "naked lady" day. Another could be "blackberry cobbler with ice cream" day. Then we could have 'roasted hotdog day". Then there could be a "drink beer without getting really drunk" day. We could have a "tease the retard" day. Another day could be "deep-fried pancake" day. And finally, one day to do whatever you wanted to do on your own. Without anyone complaining about it. Then your week would just start all over again.

Now that would be a heaven that I could live with for eternity or until I got sick of deep fried pancakes. Whichever came first. We might have to change it up a bit for each person, but this is a basic guide that we can start with.

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