09 January 2011


You know me. Stuff pisses me off just because it might happen. Or it did happen. Or I heard a rumor that it might happen. Or it happened but I just found out about it and it affected me not one iota. Or even I just dreamed about it happening. In other words, if things don't move along like a Swiss watch, I have a tendency to become irritated. Like if the sun is supposed to come up but it doesn't. Or maybe some week Tuesday is just not followed by Wednesday. I hate it when crap like that happens.

Let me give you a recent for instance. I had a plugged ear. How did it get plugged? Who in the hell would know. There are no beans in it and it has worked fine up to a point a few days ago. Then it got plugged. I'm no doctor and I hate doctors so I get my medical advice from whoever wants to give it to me and if they sound like maybe they know something about the illness that I have I will follow their instructions accordingly. Remember the ear? Well. A lady confidently told me that a health food store had these ear candles. That is all she said and gave me directions to the store.

The store was hidden as well it should be but I finally found it and talked to the young clerk in there and she assured me that "ear candles" unplug ears but that I should get two of them. One for each ear of course. I didn't want one ear nice and clear and the other one faulty did I? So I buy two ear candles and I get a paper to tell me how to operate them.

When I am back in my home I read the instructions because I really didn't want to end up setting my ear on fire unnecessarily. You have to poke a hole in a paper plate and stuff the candle through the hole in the plate. Now I almost skipped this step but since I was a total greenhorn in this department I went ahead and did it. As it turned out it was an excellent step not to skip because the ash off of this candle was about the same as one of those black snakes that you light on the 4th of July and that was what the plate was for, to catch this red hot ash.

Now the paper said to have two people, the victim and the operator but since there is only one of me I just got a little mirror and sat it so I could watch the operation. Sort of like a doctor operating on himself.

Now these candles are not like regular candles. They are a tube, about a foot long with one end having a tapered hole that goes into your ear which is under the plate. I laid down so the affected ear was facing upwards and put the taper in my ear and set the other end of the candle on fire. All the while keeping track of everything in the little mirror. I must have laid there fifteen or twenty minutes with the candle burning merrily away. It had a flame about four inches high on it.

When at last the candle burned down until it was too hot to hang onto I removed it from my ear and looked in the mirror to find a little pile of soot stickling out of my ear. Now this is black soot, not ash and it was piled up in my ear like a little black hill.

You cannot blow these candles out so I had to haul it to the sink and run water over it to get this two alarm fire out before it burned the plate up that it was poking through. After the fire was safely out, I look into the mirror and find that the little mountain of soot spilled out of my ear, down my neck and down the front of my white tee shirt.

So now I have a damned plugged ear full of soot with a black streak that won't wash out or off of anything that it touches. So needless to say, I am getting a little cranky at this point. I grab what remains of the candle and the plate and whiz it around so soot, ash and paper are flying about the room making the mess that I already have even bigger and less manageable.

So if you EVER have a plugged ear and someone tells you about these wonderful "ear candles" just kill them on the spot because they either hate you or they are trying to get you to commit suicide by setting yourself on fire.

By the way, I am still open to suggestions on how to unplug an ear without going to a quacky doctor because my money is better spent on useless items like ear candles and wax remover and hydrogen peroxide and hot air machines and little bulbs that squirt hot water and whatever the hell else you can think of that doesn't work to unplug a faulty ear.

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