31 October 2010

HALLOWEENIES

Since this will be posted on Halloween I thought that we might get into the day a little bit. Now don't panic, I have no intention of going to the "All Hallows Eve" and whatever that is. Just the grabbing of candy and all of the other fun stuff that we have made it into. I guess that you would have to call it a celebration of scariness? A celebration of tooth decay? A celebration of begging? Who knows. It is just a fun thing for little kids to do. At least it was before the world got full of perverts, queers and nutsos.

If your wife or girlfriend is good looking or even not so good looking it gives her a chance to dress up like a slut and you won't complain because it is a costume, you know. Your daughter gets to do the same thing and no one thinks anything of it because of the spirit of the day. But there is a rule that you absolutely cannot dress up as Hitler. You also cannot dress up as a Klansman or woman. If you are white you can't blacken your face and pretend to be a Negro.

It's okay to be a fairy. Either the flying kind or even the prancing one. You can also be a weaponless soldier. Maybe an indian. At least the feathered kind, but probably not the dot Indian. That would be insensitive. A cowboy? Probably. Since Brokeback Mountain. Especially if you talked with a lisp and walked funny. You can be either former presidents Bush or Nixon. Their masks are a dime a dozen year round.

Could you go as the communist gimp FDR? Probably not. Once again, you are not allowed to make fun of communists (liberals). Probably they would use the gimp thing as the excuse for being outraged, though.

Any animal is fair game. Except if you are white and wanted to be a monkey. Then, probably, people would think you are dressing up as Michelle Obama and that would cause outrage. That also goes if you are a fat, white girl and dressed up as a witch. Then folks would think you are trying to be Hillary Clinton and they would probably slap you.

You might get away with hanging a little bag around your neck and putting on some Groucho Marx glasses with the big nose and go as Chelsea Clinton's husband..... the little bag is for his Jew gold in case you didn't already know that. People might not catch on that you are attempting to be a descendant of one of the sixty million Holocaust survivors.

In this modern day and age, you are not supposed to eat any of the candy that you collected until you get home and let your parents go through it and take out all of the little candy bars and anything else that they want for themselves and then you can have the dregs that they leave behind. Nothing homemade such as cookies because some old lady probably went to the aggravation to put poison in them. Who knows why. That is just the way modern little old ladies are evidently.

No apples or fresh fruit because the pervert giving you them took all of his Gillette razor blades and put them in the apples and pears. I guess he didn't need them anymore as he got tired of shaving all of the time. If he used one of the new double or triple blade razors you would possibly notice the little hole where he pushed the cartridge into your apple.

Then there are the foolish people who dole their treats out using the "honor" system. They just take a tub of candy or whatever and set it outside of their door believing that as the children come along each child will take one or two items and then go on their way. But that is not the way it works. The first and possibly the second kid fill their bags to the brim and whoever comes along behind gets nothing.

Another one is where the people open the door and offer a tray with candy or whatever on it. The little children come and each take a piece and go on their way. Then, it gets later and the bigger kids start coming and it is still working out okay. Until, finally, you open your door and there stands some black kids cruising the white neighborhoods trying to get something besides chitlins in their Halloween bags. The very first black kid that is offered the tray, takes his entire forearm and scrapes it across the tray into his bag and there went most of your Halloween candy in one fell swoop!

So there you have it. My rant on Halloween. sit back and enjoy the festivities!

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