19 September 2010

I HATE NEWSPAPERS!

I hate newspapers! Not just the content but just having to wrestle with them to get something read in them. What a pain! I am a member of an organization that has a quarterly newspaper. I am a traveler so it doesn't catch up to me very often so I don't have the privilege of reading it very often. But I was recently lucky enough to obtain a couple of copies of it and have spent the better part of a week trying to read them.

I know that this is going to be one of those whiney blogs that you hate whenever I make this personally about me. So go suck an egg and don't read it this week. As if you ever remember anything that I tell you anyway.

Back to those wretched papers. I am reading a story on the front page and it is about finished but the last paragraph is on page eleven. That is the inside of what I would call the back cover. So I fold it back on itself and find the last paragraph to read. But by the time that I found page eleven, got the wrinkles out of the damn thing, found the right paragraph... I had forgotten what the hell I was reading and no longer cared how it ended.

So, I go back to the front to locate the next story and a couple of sheets fall out of the middle and I pick them up and put them where I thought they went but they ended up being upside down. Now I am getting aggravated. So I wad the whole thing up and whiz it around and leave it lay for awhile. Then, after calming down, I unwad it, flatten it out as best I can and get the pages back in order and right side up and finally find the next story.

This story starts on page two or as I would say, the inside front cover. So I have the paper inside out so page two is on the front and page three is on the back and I am enjoying story two and it only took five hours to get this far! Very interesting article, enjoying it immensely. What the..... continued on page eleven! Now who the hell would know where page eleven is now? It's no longer the inside of the back cover because the paper is inside out so page two is the front and page three is the back and that makes page eleven..... where? Who the hell cares! It gets crumpled into a ball and flies into the corner again.

And so it goes through one and a half newspapers. I hate them. They are good for.... nothing. Not only that but after you try and find stuff in them for awhile, your fingers are turning black! That's exactly what I wanted from reading a pain-in-the-ass newspaper. Black fingers. That is the only thing I got out of two newspapers. Black fingers. Plus probably an aneurysm that is just waiting to explode. A few palpitations and an almost unbearable urge to go get drunk.

So pardon me if I don't know what is in today's paper. I don't even give a damn what was in there. If I never see another oversized reading object it will be too soon. If people are going to make something that huge to read, at least make it out of stiff paper and staple it together. And put the whole story in one place and then start the next story after it. Who in the hell wants to skip all over reading one story? Especially in something that is built out of paper with the consistency of a wet noodle.

I would rather Hillary Clinton screeched the story at me with that horrible voice that she has. I would rather not even ever know anything about that story as to have to try and get it out of a newspaper. Newspapers are a total waste of forestry everywhere. The government likes to outlaw crap, well, outlaw newspapers! You would be doing the reading public a wonderful service. Why can't newspapers just be in little book form? Why in the hell do they have to be as big as a water buffalo and as floppy as a queer's wrists? It's not right. I think I might be being segregated against. If a retard hated newspapers you would change them. If a darkie could read you would change them. If a Jew needed them to print more money on you would make them smaller.

I guess the bottom line here is this. If you want me to know something don't put it in a newspaper. Write it in a little book. Or on a blog. Or just send me an email. Anything but a damn newspaper!

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